Truth to Say to Witness to Homosexuals
Fifteen years ago a prominent pastor/evangelist from Orange County, CA was caught in a homosexual act. When the article came out about him admitting this moral failure in Charisma magazine, I was shocked because I had read several of his books that are in all major Christian bookstores and they were edifying, encouraging and totally in line with the Word of God! I could not understand why and how someone like him could fall into that? To his credit, this pastor went though counseling for a couple years and he has recovered. Although he lost his thriving church, he has been restored back into his traveling teaching ministry and is doing well.
After that incident, I read several books and articles on the topic to try and understand the root causes of homosexuality and I also read many encouraging testimonies of men that “came out straight.”
Jesus ministered to the “lost of the lost.” To the unclean leper He said, “I am willing. Be clean!” Jesus also ministered to the Samaritan woman at the well who shamefully had five husbands. Jesus ministered to the outcasts of society.
When I read the truth about the root cause(s) of these men having same sex attractions (SSA), I became less judgmental. When I read over and over that they did not choose these same sex attractions and did not want these same sex attractions and feel ashamed, humiliated and embarrassed and loathed themselves for having them, I became sympathetic. When I read that they did not know how to get rid of the same sex attractions and many were suicidal over it, a divine compassion rose up in me. Mercy triumphs over judgment.
If those struggling with SSA are raised in a Christian home, they often do not want to tell anyone that they have SSA for fear of being judged, ridiculed and ostracized. They need help, but are afraid to ask for help. They have tried to change, but they do not know how to change and so many struggle with a victim mentality.
I realized that be many pastors and Christians have little idea how to minister to or counsel them to help them understand how to make their same sex attractions go away. Therefore, the church in general has not provided a safe environment for healing and wholeness to take place and this grieves my heart. Most struggling homosexuals and lesbians are angry because they have only encountered judgmentalism, rejection, ridicule and name calling in the church. Many Christians have verbally abused them calling them: “faggot, queer, sissy, dyke, and pervert.” This has added insult to the already profound brokenness inside them. The church has driven many away out of fear and ignorance. Realizing this, the Lord put it on my heart to write this chapter. I also wrote this chapter for those who are struggling with same sex attractions to give them hope that their same sex attractions (or SSA) can greatly diminish or go away altogether. I did not have enough room in this book to include all of the wonderful information that I gathered, so I put it on my website: www.iwanttowitness.com under Contacts – to Homosexuals – and I encourage you to read it.
We have done right in telling homosexuals and lesbians that their gay behavior is scripturally wrong. We cannot be tolerant and allow them to believe that it is OK to continue to live the gay lifestyle and think nothing of it and also be a Christian. That is hypocritical.
At the same time, to tell them they are wrong to have these same sex attractions without helping them or counseling them to understand the solution to make them go away is quite confusing, frustrating and even infuriating to them.
The gay church denomination is in grave error. They have totally misread the Bible out of context and twisted the scriptures so that their interpretation is what they want it to say: that they can be born again and at the same time maintain homosexual and lesbian sexual relation- ships and live the gay lifestyle. Several churches and. institutions have been deceived into believing that these men and women with same sex attractions are born gay and so they are now reaching out to accept both the homosexual person and their homosexual behavior. These churches are: the United Church of Christ, the Episcopal Church, Lutheran Church, Presbyterian Church USA, Unitarian Universalism, Metropolitan Community Churches and reform Quaker or society of friends. They have backslid and gone by the wayside. The motivation is sincere. However, by accepting their homosexual behavior, these churches are in actuality condemning these men, women, and children to a life of suffering, pain and perhaps even hell.
I encourage you to not be like them and have courage to stick to the scriptures and stand for the truth. Do not allow your church to backslide into their waywardness like these other churches have done. Do not allow “being nice” or political correctness to take precedence over truth. I encourage you to remain steadfast standing on the truth from the inerrant unchangeable incorruptible Word of God.
Men with SSA Come From All Walks of Life
Through all the research I have done, I have come to understand that guys who have same sex attractions (SSA) are all different. They come from all walks of life and work in all kinds of occupations and nationalities. You really cannot stereotype them. Some are tall and muscular, and others are short and skinny. Most men who struggle with SSA are hurt, broken, and ashamed and some are fearful of men. Others wear masks and seem happy, but they are really hurting on the inside. Some have suicidal thoughts. If you have suicidal thoughts at times, please read pages 88-89 “Truth to Say to Suicidal People” because God loves you and He wants you to live!
Far less are the ones that are hard core and angry and aggressively want their ”rights” to marry another homosexual man. Now that it is legal to be married, perhaps they are less angry. Most erroneously believe that they were born gay. Some erroneously believe that they can be born again and at the same time maintain homosexual and lesbian sexual relation-ships and live the gay lifestyle. Some are introverted and others are extroverted and yet they are all tangled up on the inside. They are different because there are a dozen different reasons as to why they have same sex attractions. Many were sexually abused. A study by Sheir and Johnson (Sexual Victimization of Boys, 1988) reported that 58 percent of male adolescents who later became same sex attracted suffered sexual abuse as children, while 90 percent who did not suffer sexual abuse did not become same sex attracted.
One guy I talked to hates his same sex attractions and loathes himself so much that he tried to commit suicide three times. The reason for his SSA stems from the fact that his father died when he was three years old. And yet he is a Christian who sincerely loves God.
So I want to encourage you to not judge them as all the same. I want to encourage you to be discerning and gently talk with each one and find out where they are at. For a clue, you could ask them about how their relationship was with their father.
When you find a guy (or a girl) that hates having same sex attractions and sincerely wants to change, then help them understand that you are on their side and are willing to walk the road with them towards their inner healing from same sex attractions. It is a process.
I have heard pastors say to men struggling with SSA to find a pretty girl and just get married. The advice sounds good, but that does not really stop the SSA. If the root cause of the SSA are not uprooted and if they do not bond in a godly healthy way with the same sex, then they will still have SSA even when they are married to a beautiful woman.
In Richard Cohen’s book, Coming Out Straight, (p 68) he says, “Those who want to come out of homosexuality will not accomplish this without the help of others. True and lasting healing will take place when God’s love is manifested in experience through people.”
What the Bible Says About Homosexuality:
Genesis 19:5-7 and they called to Lot and said to him, “Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us that we may know them carnally.” So Lot went out to them through the doorway, shut the door behind him, and said, “Please, my brethren, do not do so wickedly!”
- Leviticus 18:22: You shall not lie with a male as with a woman. It is an abomination
- Leviticus 20:13 (NIV) If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable.
- Romans 1:21, 26-27: Although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkene For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature. Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, (emphasis added) and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due
- 1 Corinthians 6:9–10: Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceive Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homo- sexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunk- ards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God
- Timothy 1:10–11 (NLT) for the sexually immoral, for those practicing homosexuality, (emphasis added) for slave traders and liars and perjurers—and for whatever else is contrary to the sound doctrine that conforms to the gospel concerning the glory of the blessed God, which he entrusted to me
It is Not a Civil Rights Issue
Being a homosexual or lesbian or transgender is not a civil rights issue. This erroneous thinking has gained even more credence in their eyes because the liberal Supreme Court justices legalized gay and lesbian marriage on June 26, 2015 by a vote of 5-4, but it will never be legal or right in the eyes of God because the Word of God does not change. You cannot change the color of your skin or the nation you were born in, but you can change your sexual orientation. The truth is there are many testimonies of men and women have overcome SSA!
The Truth is – No One Is Born Gay
Many homosexuals believe they were born “gay.” This belief often supplies them with comfort, relieving them of any responsibility to change. However, there is no solid scientific evidence that people are born homosexual. The overwhelming majority of gay people are completely normal genetically. They are fully male or fully female.
The first lie that must be cast down is that no one is born gay. You must understand that you were not born gay if you want to be free.
Homosexual behavior comes from real human needs going unmet. In short, the need to bond with their father to establish his sexual identity did not happen. Homosexual behavior takes hold when those needs get met in ways other than the Lord intended. It is the same thing as people turning to alcohol or drugs to find comfort when they are broken and their emotional needs are not met.
In Richard Cohen’s book, Coming Out Straight, on pages 18-24, he looked at three homosexual studies and reveals that the studies that have been done to find a gay gene or gay-part of the brain have been proven faulty, inaccurate, not conclusive and even biased because they were done by researchers who were self-proclaimed homosexuals. The ones that seemed to find something have not been replicated. Trust me in this. No one is born gay.
Simon LeVay’s study, “A Difference in Hypothalamus Structure Between Heterosexual and Homosexual Men” was published in Science magazine in August 1991. Simon LeVay, who is himself a homosexual, professed to have found a group of neurons in the hypothalamus that appeared to be twice as big in heterosexual men than in homosexual men. He studied cadavers and theorized that this part of the hypothalamus has something to do with sexual behavior, therefore he concluded, sexual orientation is somehow biologically determined.
This study had several critiques. First of all, he did not verify the sexual orientation of his control group, which is poor science. All 19 homosexual subjects died of AIDS, and we know that the HIV/AIDS virus may affect the brain, causing chemical changes therefore, rather than looking at the cause of homosexuality, we may be observing the effects of HIV or AIDS. Of his own study Levay himself said.
“It is important to stress what I did not find. I did not prove that homosexuality is genetic or find a genetic cause for being gay. I did not show that homosexuals are born that way, which is the myth and the mistake that people make in interpreting my work nor did I locate a gay center in the brain” (Cohen, 19).
The Bailey-Pillard study: A Genetic Study of Male Sexual Orientation was reported in the General Archives of General Psychiatry in December 1991. They studied the prevalence of homosexuality among twins and adopted brothers where at least one brother was homosexual. They found that 52% (29 pairs out of the 56) of the identical twins were both homosexual, 22% (12 out of 54) of the fraternal twins were both homosexual and 11% (6 of 57) of the adopted brothers were both homosexual. They also found 9% of the non-twin biological siblings were both homosexual. The authors therefore concluded that there is a genetic cause to homosexuality.
The biggest flaw of the Bailey-Pillard Study is the interpretation of the researchers. Since about 50% of the identical twins were not homosexual, we can easily conclude that genetics does not play a major part in their sexual orientation. If it had, then 100% of the twins should be homosexual since identical twins have the same genetic makeup. We might just as easily interpret the findings to mean that environmental influences caused their homosexuality. Biologist Anne Fausto-Stirling of Brown University stated: “In order for such a study to be at all meaningful, you would have to look at twins raised apart. It is such badly interpreted genetics.”
Another critique by Dr. Simon LeVay stated “In fact, the twin studies… suggest that it is not totally inborn (homosexuality) because even identical twins are not always of the same sexual orientation.”
Dr. Bailey himself stated, “There must be something in the environment to yield the discordant twins.”
Another critique is the research is failed to investigate the roles that incest or sexual abuse and other environmental factors play in determining same-sex attractions. If they had found that incest was more common among identical twins than fraternal twins or non twin blood brothers, this could have helped explain the varying rates of homosexuality.
Dean Hamer et al, of the National Cancer Institute, published his study, A Linkage Between DNA Markers on the X Chromosome and Male Sexual Orientation in Science Magazine, July 1993. The media reported that the gay gene was discovered as a result of the study. The researchers studied 40 pairs of homosexual brothers and suggested that some cases of homosexuality are linked to a specific region on the X chromosome (Xq28) inherited from the mother by her homosexual son. Thirty three pairs of brothers shared the same pattern variation in the tip of one arm of the chromosome. Hamer estimated that the sequence of the given genetic markers on Xq28 is linked to homosex-uality in 64% of the brothers.
There are several critiques of this study – Dr. Kenneth Klivington, assistant to the President of the Salk Institute in San Diego states: “There is a body of evidence that shows the brains neural networks reconfigure themselves in response to certain experience. Therefore, the difference in homosexual brain structure may be a result of behavior and environmental conditions.
Secondly, there was no control group. This is poor scientific methodology. Hamer failed to test the heterosexual brothers. What if the heterosexual brothers had the same genetic markers?
Thirdly, it has not been proven that the identified section of the chromosomes has a direct bearing on sexuality or sexual orientation.
Fourthly, one of Hamer’s fellow research assistants brought him up on charges, saying that he withheld some of the findings that invalidated his study. The National Cancer Institute is investigating
Also a Canadian research team using a similar experimental design was unable to duplicate the findings of his study. Hamer himself emphasizes: “These genes to not cause people to become homosexuals. The biology of personality is much more complicated than that.”
Finally, Dean Hamer, et al is all self-proclaimed homosexual men. Therefore Richard Cohen suggests that behind their work is a strong motivation to justify their same-sex attractions. There are other studies that have been done by homosexual researchers (which is a bias in itself) and the same findings have never been replicated.
If homosexuality is a normal sexual orientation, then why is only 1 to 3% of the population homosexual and not 50%? Why are there more homosexual males than females?
Therefore theory that there is a genetic cause for homosexuality has been generally discarded today. No serious scientist suggests that a simple cause-and-effect relationship applies. There is a preponderance of scientific evidence conducted over the past eight years that shows that homosexual it is an acquired condition.
The best evidence to disprove the theory is experience. Thousands of men and women throughout the world have changed from homosexual to heterosexual orientation. The National Assoc for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality conducted a survey of 860 respondents and found that those who want to change their sexual orientation may succeed.
The LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bi-Sexual, Transgender) community loves to push this false idea that there is a biological cause for their same sex attractions, so they can blame God, (instead of themselves or the devil for it) and continue on in their sinful alternative lifestyle (Cohen, 19-24).
God’s Original Design
In this “broken home/single mom” society, many boys grow up without a father-figure in the home, which is not God’s original design. A father-son bond is needed in early childhood in order for a boy’s true sexuality to develop. Early childhood is the stage when a boy bonds with his father. It is at this age, the boy comes to realize or identify that that he is a boy and so he wants to be like his father. It is then that he develops a bond with his father and he wants to play with the boys and hang out with the boys who are like him! He looks up to his Dad to become a man right along with his Dad! In this early stage when a boy is establishing his identity as a boy, they think: “I am a boy and the girls are not like me. They are girls. They are different. They usually don’t want to play with what I want to play with and they are just so irritating! They talk too much too! They are like the enemy! Ugh! Girls!” It is totally normal for young boys to feel that way. When a young boy sees a man and woman kissing and he rolls his eyes and says: “Eeww! Girls are gross!” then you can be thankful because you know he is developing a healthy gender identity that he is a boy. All young boys need that same sex attachment or bonding with their father or a male role model to help them understand their sexual orientation.
Then when he becomes a teenager and his hormones kick in, he will feel a switch on the inside and start having feelings for girls or be attracted to girls. Opposites attract. This may be puzzling at first. ”Oh! I was wrong! Girls are mysterious and they are sexy! They are beautiful and oh, so fine! Now I understand why Mom and Dad kiss!”
For those who suffer with SSA, when their hormones kicked in, they never felt that switch. When they find out they are different, it is the most dreadful feeling because no one wants same sex attractions.
How Do Same Sex Attractions Develop?
Michael Saia’s book, Counseling the Homosexual, describes a 5 phase model that leads to the development of same-sex attachment disorder:
Phase 1: The child feels, perceives or receives rejection from the same-sex parent. They feel his disappointment, his disapproval and his distance. In short, his heart gets wounded or broken at a very early age, many times before he can remember. He withdraws from the relationship because he feels hurt or rejected. Your brain does not fully develop to store memories until ages four to six, therefore, experiences of detachment, which occurred in the first years of life, are lodged deep in the unconscious mind. That is why many homosexual individuals say: “for as long as I can remember, I felt different” and believe they were born gay. The emotional wounding could be:
- Emotionally Absent Father – Your father was there, but your father didn’t spend time with you or seem to care about you because he was working a lot. Children spell love – TIME
- Divorce – You had to live with your mother & you really missed seeing your Dad every day.
- Many Broken Promises – Your father said he was coming to see you, but he didn’t show up. This happened again and again
- Physical Abuse by your father – of your mother and maybe you and your siblings caused the rift/wall between you and your father.
- Sexual abuse or molestation by a family member or friend created learned and reinforced behavior which also offered “a substitute for love” that they did not receive from their father. Sad statistics: 70% to 80% of homosexuals experienced sexual abuse.
- Mother Wound – When there is a divorce, the mother is often left emotionally bankrupt and she seeks to meet her emotional needs from her son.
- Name Calling by Peers – They believed the name calling by peers – fag, queer, sissy, homo, dyke
- Media Wounds – Perhaps the worst part about SSA is not the disorder itself but the ignorance surrounding it. Many people with SSA are fooled into thinking that they were born gay, and they often blame their unhappiness on the lack of acceptance society has of gays. In reality their suffering is more from deep emotional scars and unmet emotional needs than from any prejudice around homosexuality. Healing and wholeness cannot be reached without education, support and work. Many individuals suffering SSA disorder or Same Sex Attraction Disorder (SSAD) are completely unaware of its complicated origin and even worse of the fact that even embedded learned responses of SSA can be changed. Many individuals are drowning in the deluge of propaganda, half truths and lies of gay activists
- Temperament – Highly sensitive, artistic, gender non-conforming behavior, so they played with girls instead of boys as a child
- Hetero-emotional Wounds – Mother says: I wish you were a girl
- Sibling Wounds – Your brothers and sisters calling you names, putting you down, abusing you.
- Body Image Wounds – late bloomer, shorter, skinnier, larger or physical disabilities. The truth is masculinity comes in all shapes, sizes, levels of athletic ability, and interests.
- Adoption – feeling unloved or rejected by your birth mother
- Intrauterine Experiences – Your mother attempted to abort you and thus the baby felt unloved and unwanted in mother’s wound perhaps because the father was having an affair. (Info from Richard Cohen’s book – Coming Out Straight, pgs 29, 50-52)
Phase 2: The child takes revenge (instead of forgiving) and rejects the same sex parent back by putting a shield or a wall around his heart to protect or defend himself from any more emotional pain or wounding. The child does not realize that putting up a wall does a lot more harm than good. With the wall there, there can be no bonding between them and their father which begins the same sex attachment disorder – or SSAD.
Phase 3: Then the child rejects his gender identity, thinking unconsciously:”If men are that way, then I do not want to be like them!” And gets angry and then vengefully rejects his gender identity. “The detachment prevents him for internalizing his own sense of gender identity. He has cut off psychologically and emotionally from his father, his role model of masculinity (Cohen, pg 37)
Phase 4: The child rejects himself because he is the same gender of the parent he just rejected. Again, he unconsciously says, “If daddy is not good, and he is a man, then I am not good, because I am a boy.” So they do not want to attach to or connect to who they really are. This makes him feel different.
Phase 5: The child then rejects others of the same gender as a defensive reaction of self protection against further wounding. So because of the wound, he prefers to play with the girls who are safe instead of the boys, which forms the same sex attachment disorder.
After this 5 stage process, they feel separated for parents, separated from self, separated from their body and others thinking: “I don’t fit in. I do not belong. I’m different from the rest. I am neither a boy nor a girl.”
If you have SSA and nothing in the Phase 1 list relates to you, then you need to understand the truth that you were not born with same sex attractions. You were born holy and pure because your spirit came straight from heaven. The truth is there is a wound in your psyche or soul down deep somewhere that was made when you were a toddler before you can remember, perhaps before age four. You must repent for your wrong fearful, angry, vengeful reactions as a toddler or small child. You must repent for unconsciously putting up a wall around your heart to “protect yourself” from further wounding because this wall prevented you from bonding with your father and with the same sex.
Jeremiah 30:7 says, “I will restore health to you and heal you of your wounds,” says the Lord, “because they called you an outcast”
When young boys do not bond with their father and have that void in their soul, when they reach adolescence, they still want to attach with or bond with the same sex and yet, the early boyhood stage when boys bond with their father and understand and receive their sexual identity has already past. They are now in their teens and their hormones have kicked in and they now find that they are not attracted to girls. The switch did not flip for them. They have homosexual feelings.
Then they may spend a lifetime trying to fill those unmet needs for attachment through same sex sexual relationships. It is proven that sex never heals or fulfills the deeper love need simply because they are the unmet needs of a child. If you question him, the active homosexual would not say he is looking for his father’s love in the arms of another man. This is often a hidden, unconscious drive very deep in their soul.
Many turn to gangs because their dad was not there for them and they get in a lot of trouble, but many join gangs for the same sex bonding that they never received as a young child.
The truth is – only through an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ, learning to allow God to hold you, to love you, to care for you, affirm you AND healthy healing through non-sexual same sex bonding is how true and lasting change will occur. Same sex attractions can all boil down to your response to the wounding. There are a dozen ways a young child’s heart could be wounded. The wound or the void that develops in your inner soul can only be healed through forgiveness.
Different Methods of Healing Homosexuality
Sue Bohlin is a Bible teacher who is on the Board of Living Hope ministries and is a writer and speaker for Probe ministries. In her article, Can Homosexuals Change? – A Christian Perspective, Bohlin writes: “Many people who tried to change their homosexuality could win contests for praying and reading their Bibles. They really did try very very hard. But the prayers are often misdirected: “God, change me. Take away my desires. Let me start liking people of the opposite sex.” Unfortunately, as well-intentioned as this prayer is, it’s a lot like trying to get rid of dandelions in your back yard by mowing them. They keep coming back because you’re not dealing with their roots. The basic cause of a homosexual orientation isn’t genetics or choice; it’s a wrong response to being hurt. It’s about protecting oneself and trying to get legitimate needs met in ways God never intended. True change can only happen with the hard work of submitting to God, allowing Him to expose the deep hurts and needs of one’s heart, which means facing horrible pain, and inviting Him to bring healing to those wounded places. That’s why intimacy with Christ is the answer. Helping someone get set free from same sex attractions is not a simple matter and it would be disrespectful to imply that there is an easy solution to the complex issue of homosexuality. Among those who claim that change is possible, there are three main schools of thought on how to get there.
The first is the deliverance ministries. They say that homo- sexuality is caused by a demon, and if we can just cast out the demon, the problem is gone. Sounds like an easy fix, but it ends up causing even more problems because homosexuality isn’t caused by a demon. The person who was “delivered” may experience a temporary emotional high, but the same temptations and thought patterns that plagued him before are going to return because the root issue wasn’t dealt with. Only now, he’s burdened by the false guilt of thinking he did something wrong or that he’s not good enough for God to “fix” him.
A second and more effective treatment for homosexuality is reparative therapy. There is a lot of wisdom to be found here because many therapists believe that homosexuality has its roots in hurtful relationship patterns, especially with family members, and many homosexual men and women report exactly that. But reparative therapy
is often just behavior modification, and it deals only with the flesh, that part of us independent of God. Reparative therapy can make people feel better, but it can’t bring true inner healing.
The third and I believe best way to bring about real and lasting change is a redemptive approach. Ministries who disciple men and women into an intimate relationship with Jesus are able to lead them into inner healing because God transforms His people.” – Sue Bolin.
I agree with Sue Bolin and am taking the redemptive approach to write this next section on Healing Homosexuality.
Steps to Healing Homosexuality
Healing from same sex attractions is a process and it is similar to peeling an onion one layer at a time.
Layer 1 – You Must Repent and Become Born Again
First of all, if you want to start the journey toward freedom from same sex attractions, then you will need to repent for your sins and then pray and receive Jesus as your Lord and Savior. When Jesus started His ministry He said, “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand”(Matt 4:17). Repentance means to intentionally change one’s mind or one’s will to turn away from sin and turn to God and obey Him..
This is the most amazing promise: 1 John 1:9, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness.” There is no sin too great for God to forgive Proverbs 28:13, “He that covers his sins shall not prosper: but whosoever confesses and forsakes them shall have mercy.”
Becoming born again means a total change of heart where you are sorry for your sins and so you repent of them and then you become a new person through in Jesus Christ. 2 Corinthians 5:7 says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.”
If You’re Saved, Then Call Yourself a Son of God
If you are born again (also known as being “saved” from hell), then you can stop calling yourself a “homosexual” or “gay” because you are a new creation. Romans 4:17 says “God, who gives life to the dead and calls those things which do not exist as though they did.” Remember that God created the world with His WORDS, “Let there be light” and there was light! We are created in His image and have that same power to create with our words. So instead you can truthfully say: “I am a beloved son of God and sometimes I struggle with SSA, but I am more than a conqueror through Christ who loves me” (Roman 8:37)
When you become born again, then the Holy Spirit comes to dwell in your heart, which is God’s power that enables you to live a life that conforms to the Word of God and enables you to fulfill God’s will for your life. Luke 3:8-9 says: “Bear fruits in keeping with repentance.” Now that your past failures have been forgiven, you need to leave them there, forget our pasts and press forward towards the things God has for you. Philippines 3:13, says, “…this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before.”
Layer 2 – Stop the Homosexual Behavior
Now that you are born again, the Holy Spirit that is now on the inside of you will help you and empower you to stop the homosexual behavior and overcome temptation. He will convict you to do the obvious – avoid gay bars and gay bathrooms to avoid temptation. Secondly, avoid and cut off the sexual relationship with your current gay lover. You can still be non-sexual friends, but stop the gay sex. Of course, stop any other affairs or one night stands too. Thirdly, get rid of gay porn and avoid stores that sell it and get some kind of internet program that filters out unwanted website or ads from popping up –
Layer 3 – Develop a Support Network
Making a decision to leave the gay lifestyle is not easy and so developing a support network is vital. The support network can be made up of parents, brothers, sisters, relatives, spouse, and close friends, your pastors and church members that will help in the process of change where you can share about your situation and needs. You may need to move out and find a new place to live. As you go through the process of healing, there may be ups and downs. Therefore you need email addresses and phone numbers in your smart of people you can reach out to when you are feeling weak or tempted. There are four types of friendships that will help in the process of healing:
heterosexual friends that know about the struggle and are supportive
- hetero sexual friends that do NOT know about the struggle and are good friends
- Mentors who assist in the process of re-parenting the individual
- Fellow strugglers who are coming out of homosexuality
An attraction to a heterosexual friend is a perfect opportunity for healing and growth. Heterosexual, sexually attractive male friendships with men for whom you feel an erotic attraction offer of the greatest opportunity for healing. Only through such associations can there be a transformation from erotic attractions to true friendship. It is the demystifying of the distant male that leads to healing.
This transformational shift from (from eros to philia) from sexual to fraternal (from eros to philia) is THE essential healing experience of male homosexuality.
A support group would be very helpful if not vital in the healing process. You can look for a support group in your area and there also is a list at the end of this chapter of different ministries that have support groups such as Homosexuals Anonymous. If there is not a support group geared towards “homosexual healing” from that list in your area, then I highly suggest finding a Celebrate Recovery group, which is similar to Alcoholics Anonymous, but it is all Christ-centered on the Bible. Those who go have found hope and help in the power of Jesus Christ to overcome our issues of anger, grief, alcoholism, guilt and shame, financial loss, divorce, dysfunction families, sexual abuse, drug abuse, eating disorders and many more. You can go to the website: www.celebraterecovery.org and find the CR locator. Type in your zip code and you will find one in your area.
At www.livehope.org there are support groups online.
If you go to a 12 step group and have to identify yourself, you can just say: “Hello my name is _____and I am a son of God” because, like I said earlier, it is important to say who you are in Christ.
You need to understand that the prevailing attitude of the secular mental health profession is very liberal in support of being homosexual. Unrepentant homosexuals use the American Psychiatric Assoc. to tout that they are “normal” and so homosexuality should be embraced as “an alternative lifestyle.”
The truth is in Joe Dallas’ book, A Strong Delusion – Confronting the “Gay Christian Movement (pp123-124) he writes: “The APA did not state that homosexuality is normal. The resolution that the APA Board of Trustees voted on in 1973 agreed that only clearly defined mental disorders should be included in the DSM and that if homosexuals felt no “subjective distress” about their sexuality and experienced no “impairment in social effectiveness or functioning” then their orientation should not be labeled a disorder. The psychiatrist who authored the resolution flatly denied that the APA was thereby saying that homosexuality was normal.”
In other words, do not go to a liberal mental health support group like that. It would all be counterproductive, helping you slide back into believing the lies of the enemy and back into homosexual sin.
How the Church Can Help in the Support Network
Churches must involve itself in the healing process of these brave men, women and adolescents who want to change. Those who want to come out of homosexuality will not accomplish this without the help of others. Parents are the first representatives of God for their children. They are the invisible manifestation of an invisible God. They symbolize our role model for masculinity (Mr. God) and our role model for femininity (Mrs. God). God represents an extension of the father-figure. If a child rejects his parents, it follows that they may easily reject their parent’s religious beliefs. This distances them from God, from parents, authority figures, and a sense of belonging to the world. Therefore a defensive detachment from father or mother may lead to a defensive of detachment towards God. (Cohen, Coming Out Straight, pg 52).
Therefore they need to be taught know the truth about God’s true character and how that differs from the character of the sin-based nature of their parents and study God’s true nature and how He feels about them and how much He loves them.
If you read the previous sections, now you know the causes of same sex attractions. Usually the problem was developed through same sex parent’s rejection, a wounded heart (or sexual abuse) and then a defensive wall built around their heart when they were a young child, which prevented them from bonding with their father and prevented them from developing their true gender identity. It is not anything a guy can “catch like a cold” by being close to one. It is not contagious. As the pastor, I encourage you to teach your church members how to treat people who they suspect are struggling with SSA:
- Teach the youth and men that the root cause of those struggling with same sex attractions (SSA) started because they felt wounded or rejected by their same-sex parent in their early childhood or they were abused. Since SSA started with a root of rejection, it needs to be healed with the love of God and kindness and acceptance by godly healthy same sex friends that treat them like one of the guys. They need to feel like they belong and do guy stuff with godly friends.
- Teaching the youth and the men in your church (or women) to not be afraid of a feminine guy or a woman whom you suspect may have SSA. Homosexuality and lesbianism is not contagious. It may seem like SSA can rub off, but actually it is simply two guys with that same void or wound in their heart “being attracted” to one another.
- Teach them to NOT call him/her any homosexual terms or names nor gossip about them, but to do the opposite and encourage them through compliments and encouragement such as: “You’re the man!” and “high five” them and “call things that be not as though they were.”
- Teach your youth to be a friend or a big brother and the men in your church to be a father figure to those you suspect may have SSA. They need a godly healthy role model, because they did not have that when they were a child, in order to increase their heterosexual feelings and feel secure in their masculinity. Now that they are older, they need to play “catch-up” in the development of their gender identity.
- Teach those struggling with SSA the truth about their Heavenly Father’s character and how He differs from the sin-based character or nature of their parents. Teach them the true nature of the Holy Spirit as well and how He feels about them and how much He loves them.
For those seeking healing of same sex attractions, you really need to find a Bible believing church that believes that homosexuality is Biblically wrong and that change is possible through the Word of God and the power of Jesus Christ and healthy godly same sex relationships.
When you go to church or anywhere, I encourage you to:
- Talk like heterosexual guys talk. Watch a few Army movies and find your deeper original voice that God gave you and talk like that.
- Sit like a guy sits, with your left ankle on your right knee. Do not cross your legs like women do.
- Do your best to fit in and model the guy’s behavior.
- Remember you are at church to renew your mind with the Word of God and to make healthy same sex friends, so do not make a pass at a guy you may be attracted to at church. You will only offend them and lose your potential friend who will think you are weird because of your behavior.
Physical Exercise or Playing Sports is important for individuals coming out of homosexuality. It is an opportunity to hang out with heterosexual males and that increases your feeling of masculinity as you participate in a sport, even if it is weight lifting at the gym. A workout partner could be a part of your support network.
Read Books – I encourage you to read books on the causes and treatment of homosexuality. There is a list at the end of this chapter.
Read Testimonies – I have also included many Testimonies of men who have been set free from homosexuality. I encourage you to look them up online and read them. They will give you great hope!
Counseling is important as well. The best therapist is preferably a Christian who has been delivered from homosexuality. Look at the ministries listed in Resources at the end of this chapter
Layer 4 – Develop An Intimate Relationship with Christ
Developing an intimacy with Jesus Christ is a total surrender of all your carnal desires to Him and asking God for His desires and His will in your life, which includes your sexual orientation. You accept that God made you a man and you embrace your manhood. You surrender your whole will to Him like Jesus did in the garden of Gethsemane: “Not My will but Yours be done.” (Luke 22:42)
In developing an intimate relationship with the Lord Jesus, you submit to Him and let Him be in control and take the driver’s seat of your life. It means renewing your mind with the Word of God through reading it every day. You must realize that God is your Heavenly Father and you are a son of God.
It means having a hunger for the Word where you want to listen to Christian TV and podcasts and Christian music to build up your spirit. It means casting down the lies of the enemy and replacing them with God’s truth from the Word. It means walking in holiness. When you are tempted, you run to God or call or text other Christians to help you. If means you welcome correction, even though it hurts, because you want to be right with God. It means being obedient.
It means being seated with Christ in heavenly places. Therefore, we rule and reign with Christ. Jesus has given us the keys to heaven and so we can take authority over the devil’s lies and his spirits of perversion Matthew 18:18 says, “whatever you bind (lock up) on earth is bound in heaven, and whatever you loose (unlock) on earth is loosed in heaven.” So you can pray and take authority over your same-sex attractions like a military sergeant or an angry coach and command:
“I bind these same sex attractions and the evil spirits of perversion and sin and I command all these unclean spirits to go back to hell in the name of Jesus Christ. And I loose upon myself – holiness and purity and right feelings that line up with the Word of God. I’m normal, straight and healed in Jesus’ name.”
Having an intimate relationship with Christ means singing and worshipping God from your heart. Then power of the Holy Spirit and His manifest presence will touch you with His love as you spend time worshipping Him. He becomes your best friend and you find comfort through the presence of the Holy Spirit and you will learn how to be led by His Spirit. Dennis Jernigan overcame homosexuality through praise and worship and has written many anointed songs. I also like “Mended” by Matthew West and “Never Too Far Gone” by Jordan Feliz. There are so many wonderful praise and worship songs and Soaking songs out there that you can find in Christian music stores or iTunes.
There is so much power in speaking the Word of God. It is the sword of the spirit. Proverbs 23:7 says “As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.” The battle is in the mind. Since you are now born again, it is so important to receive God as your Heavenly Father and catch a revelation of the fact that you are His son. I exhort you to speak these confessions of “who you are now in Christ” also read “A to Z Affirmations from Your Heavenly Father.” It will build you up.
Confess Who You Are in Christ. You Are a Son
- I am a new creature in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17).
- I am a son of God through my faith in Christ Jesus (Galatians 3:26)
- Since I am born again, I am no longer a slave to fear, but I am a adopted as a child of God and because I am a son, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into my heart which cries out “Abba! Father!” (Romans 8:15)
- I am not a stranger anymore, but I am a fellow citizen with the saints and a member of God’s household (Ephesians 2:19)
- God loves me and so He disciplines me. He scourges every son whom He receives. God deals with me as a son. I know that every father disciplines his son. Therefore I shall respect God and honor Him and live a godly life for His glory. (Hebrews 12:6-7, 9)
- I have received Jesus as my Lord and Savior, therefore God gave me the right to become a child of God (John 1:12-13)
- I am forgiven of all my sins and washed in the Blood (Eph. 1:7).
- I am the temple of the Holy Spirit; I am not my own (1 Cor. 6:19).
- I have put off the old man and have put on the new man, which is renewed in the knowledge after the image of Him Who created me (Colossians 3:9-10).
- I am greatly loved by God (Romans 1:7; Ephesians 2:4; Colossians 3:12; 1 Thessalonians 1:4).
- I am holy and without blame before Him in love (Ephesians 1:4; 1 Peter 1:16).
- I have the mind of Christ (1 Corinthians 2:16; Philippians 2:5).
- For God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, love, and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7).
- It is not I who live, but Christ lives in me (Galatians 2:20
- I have received the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Jesus, the eyes of my understanding being enlightened.
Layer 5 – Find the Root Lie that Created the Wound and the Wall around Your Heart
This is the hardest part of the healing. You need to go back as far as you can remember and locate the bad memory that created the wound at the root of the problem and the lie that the wound created. You may have to ask your mother what happened when you were little because your brain does not develop enough to store memories until you are 4 or 5 years old. This is why homosexuals think they were born gay because “as far as they can remember” they have had these homosexual feelings. But a lot can happen before you are 4 years old that you just do not remember. It would be most helpful to talk to your father personally, if at all possible, to get his side of the story. There are always two sides to every story. You may want to ask him: Why did you leave us? or why were you not there for me? When you hear what he has to say, you must forgive him. Even if you do not have the opportunity talk to him, you must forgive him anyway even if you never hear an apology from him. Only forgiving him will set you free. Unforgiveness will keep you bound.
If she does not know, then your intimate personal relationship with God through the power of the Holy Spirit can reveal to you the painful memory in His timing. The true source or the root of your emotional pain must be found. Then you must face it. You cannot heal it if you cannot feel it. Once you remember the painful memory, what was your reaction to it? What did you believe about it?
Most of the time, there are lies embedded somewhere in the memory when a person is wounded. As long as the lie remains buried in the memory, the lie will cause pain every time they are triggered by a similar life situation. If we believe a lie to be true, then it will play itself out as though it were true.
Proverbs 23:7 says, “As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.” When one does not truthfully understand WHY that wound came to be there or truthfully why the terrible experience happened to them, then through a bitter root judgment the devil will attach his lies to the wound instead to “help them understand,” but it is a false understanding based on his lies. The devil and his demons then spins a web of lies around about that wound building lie upon lie upon lie. This may take years to develop. Then when that person reaches puberty, the devil and his demons attach feelings to the lies to perpetuate the lies so that they seem true until there is a web of lies in your mind that makes you believe that you are a homosexual. When a person understands the lie(s) at the root of the same sex attraction, and the bitter root judgment is removed with mercy and forgiveness, then change is possible! The web of lies can then be dismantled and the truth from God’s Word will greatly diminish the same sex attractions. Then you will find release from the pain and can receive God’s peace.
Examples of Lies that Attach to the Wound
The following are some examples of lies the devil may have told you as a child to help trigger your memory and the truth is in italics.
- My father does not love me or accept me. Truthfully every father loves his son. He may be just irresponsible or busy working or angry at your Mom
- If my father loved me, he would be here for me. They would not have gotten divorced. Truthfully they did not divorce because your father does not love you. You do not know the whole story. The divorce was not your fault. He did not love his wife right or maybe she did not love him. Perhaps he was abusive towards her or maybe there was an affair, but truthfully, every man loves his son and you can believe that your father indeed loves you.
- My father would have gotten custody of me if he really loved me. .The Judge is the one who decided who got custody. You do not know how hard your father fought to get custody of you or to get visitation rights to see you.
- If my father really loved me, he would spend more time with me, etc. (children spell love with TIME). Truthfully, many fathers are hurting on the inside. It is hard to be there for others when you yourself are hurting. Many fathers have to work long hours to pay the bills, to pay for your child support. Many fathers live far away from their children, in another state. Some fathers are in prison, but your mother does not want you to know that. Some fathers are hurt, ashamed and disappointed with their lives and instead of forgiving and praying and turning that emotional pain over to God, they turn to drugs and alcohol instead. You need to pray for your father to be born again and set free from all sin and to trust in the Lord for strength, peace and joy.
- If my father really loved me, he would not have forgotten my birthday. And this is his week for visitation to come pick me up and see me. He says he’s coming to see me and then he breaks his promises over and over again! When a man is not born again, he thinks about himself before he thinks about others. Forgive him for forgetting your birthday. Maybe something came up at work. Maybe his finances are so low that he does not have the money to come see you. When a man is hurting on the inside, it is hard for him to reach out. When he does not have God’s love on the inside of him, it is hard for him to love others. Perhaps his father was not a good father to him, so he did not know how to be a good father to you. Pray for this generational curse to be broken.
- That guy came on to you because you’re gay. The truth is that guy “came on to you” because HE is gay. Not you! Do not be confused.
- You cannot fight well because you’re gay. Do not be confused. Do not be insecure. Truthfully, guys that have had practice and training to fight are ones that fight well. You can watch You Tubes and learn how to fight better. But seriously, if you learn how to fight and use those skills on some punk kid at school, you can be expelled and get behind.. If you drop out of high school, you will not get a good job. If you do not get a good job, you will be miserable doing something you do not like that pays very little. Stay in school and get a college degree, then going to work will be a joy and you will enjoy your life
- You cannot play ball well because you’re gay. Do not be confused. Do not be insecure. Truthfully guys that play ball well have practiced a lot. All you need to do is practice and stand on Philippians 4:13. After practice, then practice more at home if you want, but playing sports is supposed to be fun. Truthfully, some guys are not good at sports because God has gifted them in other areas, but that does not mean you’re gay. Very few guys make it to the pros anyway, so it is a waste of time. Just focus on what you are good at.
- Those kids are right. You are gay. You are a fag. You are a wimp. Truthfully, that is a wrong opinion, based on a lie, which is not reality. For e.g., let’s say the bully said you were wearing a red shirt, but in reality, you are wearing a blue You KNOW your shirt is blue. In the same way you KNOW you are normal and straight. So do not let their wrong opinion become your opinion of yourself because they are lies. Your shirt is blue. You are normal and straight. You see, many kids are insecure and so they cut down other kids to make themselves feel taller or better. Just ignore them and forgive them and embrace the truth – You are straight and they are insecure. They need to get born again, go to church and learn to respect others and be kind.
- I feel abandoned, unwanted, unloved, unsafe and insecure. God will never leave you nor forsake you. Ephesians 1:6 says, “You are accepted in the Beloved.” Your Heavenly Father loves you. Pray Psalms 91and God’s angels will protect you. You will be secure when you know who you are in Christ.
- This homosexual sex is what love is really all about. It is the love that I did not receive from my father – The truth is men who have a wound from not receiving their father’s love are very susceptible to sexual abuse because it becomes a substitute for their father’s love. The truth is God wants you to bond with godly men in a healthy way and receive your Heavenly Father’s love through His manifest Presence when you sing and worship Him.
- You enjoyed that forced sexual abuse because you really are gay. Truthfully when anyone is touched in the “pleasure center” of their private parts they will be aroused That is normal So do not associate your sexual orientation with a man who “aroused you” while he was sexually abusing you. You are not gay. Do not be confused. It is terribly wrong the way it happened. It was not your fault. God designed for a man and a woman to wait until they are married to experience the sexual pleasure of making love. The sexual organs fit together perfectly as God designed sexual intercourse to happen.
- I was born this way. I might as well embrace it and be proud of it –God did not give you these same sex attractions. Truthfully no one is born gay. Why would God create something that He calls an abomination?
- Being gay is the “in” thing. I can be accepted. Truthfully, God loves you, yes, but if you want to go to heaven, you will repent and pray for God to help you change to be who He created you to be and do His plan for your life.
- A lot of people are like me at the gay bars, a whole gay community! Truthfully, only 2% of men self-identify themselves as gay.
- I can make myself happy by being my genuine self. Truthfully, you were created in God’s image and being gay is the devil’s image of you.
The above “lies and the truth” are common examples. Perhaps the lie at the root of your pain I did not touch on. Well then, I encourage you to pray and ask God to help you remember the root cause of your pain. Pray: Heavenly Father, What is the painful memory that is at the root of my problem that has now caused me to have same sex attractions? And what lie or lies were attached to the memory? Please reveal the truth to me. In Jesus name I pray, A-men.”.
Forgive Whoever Was There in the Bad Memory
After you remember the painful memory, the right response is: to forgive your father for not being there for you or forgive the one(s) who abused you or forgive whatever the painful memory was for you. Unforgiveness is an open door to the enemy. When you forgive, God will close the open door to the devil and God will move on your behalf. When you forgive, the defensive wall around your heart will come down. God will heal and restore your heart. God will heal the memory. If you are having trouble forgiving, a few of my favorite books are:
- Do Yourself a Favor and Forgive by Joyce Meyer.
- Total Forgiveness by RT Kendall
- The Bait of Satan by John Bevere.
Forgiveness is first of all an act of the will. It is not hypocrisy to will to forgive when the emotions are screaming for vengeance. Be obedient to the Lord regardless of how you feel. If you refuse to harbor spite or dwell on the offense, evil emotions will be starved. Moreover, the Lord Himself will set your heart right. Right emotions will eventually come if you surrender to the Lord. A conscious, deliberate, willful choice to forgive is the only thing that can free a heart from the bondage of bitterness.
Undoubtedly, there are Christians who have called you terrible names in childhood and adulthood who you really need to forgive. Perhaps you were having same sex attractions, but that gives them no right to call you: fag, queer, homo, dyke, etc. That is just totally wrong and not what a Christian is supposed to do.
On behalf of all of them, I am so sorry and I want to apologize to you for their name calling. Many Christians are like in kindergarten when it comes to renewing their mind with the Word of God and so they are still carnal and insensitive. Anytime they call you a bad name, do not dwell on it, but forgive them and then, do what it says in 2 Corinthians 10:4-5, cast down the bad name/label and replace those lies with the truth by confessing “who you are in Christ’ on page 251.
I applaud you that despite their carnal judgmental behavior, that you courageously decided to not let them become a stumbling block, but still decided to become a Christian.
What people do not understand remains a mystery to them and mystery brings fear. People many times people fear what they do not understand. When there is something that they are not familiar with, they assume the worst about it. They are subconsciously afraid that they may “get it.” And they are appalled at the unnatural behavior of homosexuality as well. They are judgmental and ignorant because they have never walked in your shoes. They think that you want the SSA and are just rebellious towards God, therefore out of righteous indignation; they want to hold signs at gay parades. They think that you are crazy and rebellious for thinking that God made you gay or you were born gay. What they do not understand is your reality: that you have most likely had SSA since before you can remember, so it seems to you that you born with SSA – even though it is not true. They fear that because of your sin that God will judge and destroy our nation like Sodom and Gomorrah. But I think that God wants pastors and Christians to understand, be sympathetic and do what they can to help people with SSA. I know it may be really hard, but the Jesus says to “forgive them, for they know not what they do.”
Learn to Forgive Others Because:
- Jesus tells us to forgive. It is always best to obey the Word of God because Jesus suffered, died and was resurrected so that we could receive the forgiveness of our own sins. Mark 11:25 says, “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” It is so smart to forgive, because when we forgive those who have wronged us, our prayers will be answered. The wound or the void that develops in your inner soul can only be healed through forgiveness.
- Unforgiveness is like a wedge or a dividing wall between you and God. You do not want anything to stand in the way of your relationship with God because you need Him to live victoriously to overcome SSA and also to have eternal life. If God can forgive us all the awful things we’ve done, we can forgive others for the things they have done. Matthew 6:14-15 says, “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” It is a serious thing to not have your sins forgiven, so you should always forgive those who sin against you. Do not repay anyone with evil, but overcome evil with good.
- Forgiveness leads to your emotional healing from SSA. Holding onto resentment and not forgiving your father or those who abused you is sinful and stands in the way of your emotional and even physical wellness. They say that bitterness is the root cause of cancer
- Forgiving Empowers God Take Vengeance for You Forgiving releases the shackles of sin and opens the door for the Lord to intervene in your situation. It releases God’s hands and His angels to go to war on your behalf to repay with vengeance those who hurt you. 2 Thessalonians 1:6 says, “it is a righteous thing with God to repay with tribulation those who trouble you.” When you forgive, you open the channel of God’s love to operate through other godly men who can bless you as well with that love and time and attention that you long for that your father did not give you. They can fill that void in your heart that your real father left there. God will make it up to you.
- Forgiveness closes the door to the enemy and all tormenting spirits. If you harbor unforgiveness you will be holding onto bitterness and judging others and sinning opening a door to the enemy to get into your life and cause havoc. Proverbs 24:29 says, “Do not say, ‘I’ll do to them as they have done to me; I’ll pay them back for what they did.’ Also Romans 12:19 says: “Vengeance is the Lord’s and He will repay.”
- Forgiveness is for your benefit, not for the benefit of the person you are forgiving. Do yourself a favor and forgive. Unforgiveness is like drinking poison yourself and yet expecting the other person to die.
- Choosing not to forgive keeps you stuck in your past, preventing you from moving forward. Without forgiveness you are constantly stuck in your past. You can move forward if you pull up the bitter root judgments – Hebrews 12:15 (NAS) “See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; and that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled.” If you do not forgive and you do not stop judging those who wronged you, then you will do the same thing later on because the bitter roots (aka generational curses) were never forgiven of and pulled up. You must extend grace, mercy and understanding to your wrongdoer or you will waste years of your life in bitterness when you could have lived your life in peace and joy.
- Forgiving helps you stay productive and fruitful. Once you have forgiven those who wronged you, then suddenly you will find you have more time for thinking useful productive and happy thoughts instead of useless negative and self-centered complaining.
- Forgiveness is a free gift that costs you nothing to give and receive! In Matthew 18:21-22, Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times” Paul says in Colossians 3:13, “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
- Forgiveness leads to purification of the spirit. 1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us (or cleanse us) from all unrighteousness.”
When we talk about forgiving God, we’re not talking about standing in judgment of God and accusing Him of wrongdoing or accusing Him of sinning against us. We are talking about forgiving Him because this helps us deal with our own anger, resentment, and bitterness that we experience when we get hurt; when things didn’t go our way; when we prayed for the same sex attractions to go away and they did not; when our loved one did not get healed, but died; when our spouse left us when we prayed and prayed for the marriage to work out.
We know that God isn’t in the wrong. Perhaps the same sex attractions did not go away because the root of the sin was not dealt with and forgiven and repented of.
Even when we’re angry at Him, He still loves us and yearns for us to turn to Him for the comfort and encouragement we need. Forgiving God is not the same as forgiving other people, for one main reason: While other people may hurt us because of sin or bad motives, God is always good. He always does what is just and right with a pure motive – which is to draw us closer to Him. James 4:8 says, “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.”
We must remember that God has given everyone a free will because He did not want robots to worship Him, but true worshipers. We know that love is not truly love unless it is freely given. So God gave everyone a free will to make that decision to choose to whether to believe in God and worship and serve Him or to obey the devil and do the sinful destructive things that he wants people to do. Many times people use their free will and sin against God and others by their sinful wrong actions and decisions. We cannot control what people do. We can only control how we respond and the Word of God commands us to forgive. The devil plots his evil by tempting people to do sinful terrible things that in turn deeply hurt their loved ones. The devil does this in vengeance to get back at God and hurt Him by hurting the people He created to make them mad and bitter at God so they will turn away from Him and backslide or miss going to heaven. Sadly many times the devil is successful and many people have turned away from God, even those who were raised in church. This grieves God’s heart big time. Many people love God for what He does for them instead of for who He is. Through His shed blood on the cross and His resurrection, Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior. This is why Job is such an outstanding man of God. God allowed the devil to take almost everything away from Job, except his life, and Job still worshipped God. He did not understand why all the tragedy happened, but he still made the right decision refused to curse God to praise God and put his trust in Him.
Truthfully, God can only control someone who chooses to listen to the Holy Spirit (or his/her conscience) and then obeys God doing what God tells them to do. In short, God controls those who are led by His Spirit who indwells the born again believer. Romans 8:14 says, “For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God.” As far a divine protection goes, there are many testimonies of people who escaped the Twin Towers disaster in Sept 11, 2001 because they were led by the Spirit. One born again believer lady I talked to testified that she felt led by the Spirit to go buy a bagel up the street for breakfast instead of eating inside the Twin Towers building that day. Her close relationship with God led her away from the disaster and saved her life. This is what Psalm 91:1 – “He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of His wings.” The secret place is basically having an intimate relationship with God where you pray to God and also listen what the Holy Spirit is saying back to you and then obey Him. God was able to control her because she listened and obeyed the Holy Spirit’s promptings, but He could not control the terrorists who flew their planes into the building because they were listening to and obeying the devil’s evil plots and plans.
You Must Forgive Yourself
When the bad memories from childhood come back to you, then you must forgive your father and you also must forgive yourself for your wrong reaction that was probably subconscious at that time that built a wall around your heart when you were a toddler or a very young boy that prevented you from bonding with your father. Forgive yourself for judging him as a child without knowing all the facts. Perhaps the facts were that the reason why he was not around was not because he did not love you nor care about you, but because he was a traveling salesman. We must remember that our memories are highly fallible and plastic. And yet, we tend to subconsciously favor them over objective facts. Forgive yourself for not believing the facts.
Forgive yourself for engaging in homosexual acts because you were deceived into thinking that it was the way to receive your father’s love that you did not receive when you were a boy.
If you are unforgiving towards yourself, then you open that door for tormenting spirits to come against you because you are not really accepting the work that Christ did for you on the cross. Matthew 18:23-35 tells us how the unforgiving person is turned over into the hands of tormenters (or tormenting spirits).
Failing to forgive yourself will put blinders on your spiritual eyes. It will cause you to see things through the eyes of guilt, shame and condemnation. It will ruin your faith. Romans 8:1 says, “There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus…”
The key to forgiving yourself is to believe that you have been forgiven and do not forget it.
Jesus Took Your Shame on the Cross
Many men feel a lot of shame for having unwanted same sex attractions. That shame separates and prevents intimacy with God. To overcome, you need to stop thinking about your past homosexual thoughts and sinful acts of the past. When you ask God to forgive you, then you are forgiven and the sin has been dealt with and washed away. Therefore, if you think about it anymore, then you are meditating on something that no longer exists! Shame is an imagination or lie that must be cast down (2 Corinthians 10:5) and replaced with the truth. Now you are a new creature in Christ. The old man (flesh) has passed away and the new man in Christ (spirit) has come forth. You are the righteousness of God through Christ Jesus. You are loved. You are now one of God’s many sons. You are white as snow like it says in Isaiah.1:18, “Come now, and let us reason together, says the LORD: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.” Instead of feeling shameful, begin to praise God for the solution to the problem, and think about how you have been washed clean from those failures!
Single Moms – Find a Godly Role Model for Your Son
Your son needs a godly male role model in his life. You have to make the effort to bring a godly role model into his life. He cannot do it alone. If the father of your son or your husband is not around, or if you are divorced, do not despair. Pray and ask God for a godly role model for your son. I encourage you to find a godly man, an uncle, your boyfriend, you neighbor’s dad, youth group leader or scout leader or a coach. Make him get involved with sports, cub scouts, children’s church or youth group at church. You may re-marry and his step-father can be a good godly role model for him as well. You can greatly help your son when he is a child by not allowing him to play with girls. Make him play with boys, even if he does not want to. If the boys pick on him, help him with “who I am in Christ” confessions on page 252 and Affirmations from A to Z on page 291. Explain to him that insecure boys pick on other kids to make them feel better about themselves and it is wrong and they need to be saved. Pray with your son to pray for his enemies or any bullies. Encourage your son that he can be “a light” for Jesus. Teach your son to forgive his father for not being there for him. Lead him in a sinner’s prayer to receive Jesus as His Lord and Savior and God as His Heavenly Father. When he forgives his father, then God will make it up to him. Teach your son to pray, sing and worship God, read the Word and trust in God.
Books to Help You Witness to Them
The Gay Gospel? How Pro-Gay Advocates Misread the Bible by Joe Dallas
The Game Plan, The Men’s 30-Day Strategy for Attaining Sexual Integrity by Joe Dallas
Messy Grace by Caleb Katenbach
When Homosexuality Hits Home by Joe Dallas
Coming Out of Homosexuality by Bob Davies
Leaving Homosexuality – by Alan Chambers
You cannot deny or argue with someone else’s testimony because it is their personal experience. Many homosexuals make fun of or deny these people have been delivered and set free from homosexuality. I think that is because it easier to embrace the lies (that it is not sin and I was born this way) and yield to the world’s acceptance of the sinful “alternative lifestyle” rather than repent, surrender your life to Christ, and walk in the truth from the Word of God. Reading these encouraging testimonies will give you great hope that change is possible and you too can change or your SSA can greatly decrease you and you can come out straight.
Testimonies of Homosexuals Healed through Christ
- Testimony of Dennis Jernigan in his book called: Giant Killers http://www.dennisjernigan.com/djtestimony
- Testimonies from People Can Change http://peoplecanchange.com
- Testimony of Donnie McClurkin – http://ex–gaytruth.com/ encyclopedia/donnie–mcclurkin/ He is preparing to get married http://www.christianpost.com/news/donnie-mcclurkin-and-nicole-c-mullen-getting-married-but-not-engaged-168056/
- Testimony of Stephen Bennett This is his video testimony www.sorg
- Testimony of Richard Cohen comingoutloved.com
- Testimony of Kegan Wesley this is his video testimony – keganwesley.com
- Testimony of Lee Preston http://www.shadowofhiswingsministry.com/our-story.html
- Testimony of DL Foster is in his book: Touching a Dead Man www.witnesstotheworld.org
- Testimony of Dean Bailey – http://www.beyondtheshadesofgray.org
- Testimony of Stephen Black (video) – From Homosexuality to Holiness
- Testimony of Eric Garner – This is his video testimony
- Testimony of Nathanael Flock – this is his video testimony
- Testimony of Victor J Adamson – www.victorjadamson.com
- http://ex–gaytruth.com/ex–gaytestimonies/ lots of video testimonies: http://ex-gaytruth.com/video-testimony-links/
- Coming Out Loved by Dr Richard Cohen
- Beyond Gay, by David Morrison
- Born That Way? By Erin Eldridge
- Closing the Closet: Testimonies of Deliverance from Homosexuality by Talbert Swan
- Free Indeed by Barbara Swallow
- Healing Homosexuality: Case Studies of Reparative Therapy,
by Joseph Nicolosi
- Out of Egypt: Leaving Lesbianism Behind, by Jeanette Howard
- A Place in the Kingdom, by Garrick and Ginger Hyde
- Portraits of Freedom: 14 People Who Came Out of Homosexuality, by Bob Davies
- You Don’t Have to be Gay, by Jeff Konrad
- A Strong Delusion: Confronting the “Gay Christian” Movement
- The Poetic Testimony of an Ex-Homosexual by Dominique Evans
Helpful Ministries for Those Struggling with Same–Sex Attractions
- Focus on the Family – Resources Concerning Homosexuality
- Focus on the Family -Understanding Homosexuality
- Focus on the Family – Leaving Homosexuality – http://www.focusonthefamily.com/socialissues/sexuality/leaving-homosexuality/leaving-homosexuality
- Focus on the Family – Understanding Same-Sex Attractions http://www.focusonthefamily.com/socialissues/sexuality/understanding-same-sex-attractions/understand-same-sex-attractions
- Focus on the Family – Homosexuality, Theology, Church
- How to Talk With Your Children About Homosexuality
- Dennis Jernigan – dennisjernigan.com/needhelp
- Hope for Wholeness Network http://www.hopeforwholeness.org/
- Restored Hope Network http://www.restoredhopenetwork.com/
- Living Hope Ministries – www.livehope.org/
- Genesis Counseling joedallas.com
- Homosexuals Anonymous – http://www.ha–fs.org/
- Jayne Bowman – www.real–soulutions.com
- Richard Cohen, M.A. – www.gaytostraight.org
- Stephen Bennett Ministries –http://www.sbministries.org/members/sbm
- First Stone Min. – Stephen Black – http://www.firststone.org
- wifeboat.com – help for wives of men who struggle
- Pastor DL Foster –– www.witnessfortheworld.org/
- Hope for Homosexuals.com – familypolicy.net
- Desert Stream http://www.desertstream.org founded by Andrew Comiskey
- For Catholics – http://couragerc.org/courage/
- Assisting Families & the Church www.harvestusa.org
- JONAH International – www.jonahweb.org/
- PATH: Positive Alternatives www.pathinfo.org/
- People Can Change – www.peoplecanchange.com
- P–FOX – Parents & Friends of Ex–Gays – pfox.org/
More Resources: Informational Articles about the Risky Homosexual Lifestyle
- Matt Barber: The “Gay” Death style –http://www.pearceyreport.com/blog/2010/10/gay_death.php
- Expert Research Finds Homosexuality More Dangerous Than Smoking – https://www.lifesitenews.com/news/expert-research-finds-homosexuality-more-dangerous-than-smoking
- Study: Homosexual Lifestyle Strongly Linked to Depression, Suicide – https://www.lifesitenews.com/news/study-homosexual-lifestyle-strongly-linked-to-depression-suicide
- The Negative Health Effects of Homo-sexuality by Timothy J. Dailey, Ph. http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles4/DaileyHomosexuality.php
- Sex Diseases in Many Gay Men Go Unfound, Experts Say – by Lawrence Altman http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/13/health/13std.html?_r=0
- Superbug Linked To Homosexual Behavior’ – Society hasn’t learned from the AIDS pandemic’ http://www.wnd.com/2008/01/45564/
- “Drug–resistant staph found to be passed in gay sex” Superbug can cause life–threatening disfiguring infections.” ww reuters.com/
- Gay Bowel Syndrome – http://www.conservapedia.com/Gay_bowel_syndrome